The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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