I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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