i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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