If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
why do cheetos always look like penises
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
