Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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