i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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