Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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