Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
