I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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