The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
