Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
