he was CRYING into my vagina
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
