batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
