Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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