I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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