I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
