cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
