Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
