I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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