The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
