yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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