i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
