i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
