Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
