Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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