He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
