I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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