i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
