I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
