What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
