awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
