I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
