My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am one with the molecules
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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