the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This is the prime rib incident all over again
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
