I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
