I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
