My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
