Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
