There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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