Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
