the new term for farting is butt boxing.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
