I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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