Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I still have a little drunk in my system
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
