did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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