if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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