I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
