so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
