It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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