Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
