The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
