if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
