i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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